No fuckin joke, I feel like a god damned crackhead right now. I've been sitting here for two days, really.. wondering why I'm not high. I have the hookup, and I have the weed, but I'm not high? Why? Hell, if I know.. it's just weird. I haven't wanted to get high, but at the same time have been hungry for the feeling of getting high. It's hard to explain. I've only been smoking weed for going on 5 years, and three of those years I smoked religously. Lost some good friends over the years, and even earned from friends who I end up hating (Voca, 80% of those generated population was either born stoned, or developed some kindof mental retardation factor) after I quit getting high.
Recently though, I started smoking again, and even selling - I get away when I get high, I don't have any worries at all. Most people geek out and worry about getting caught when they are high, but anymore I don't care who knows I'm high, or sellin. (Hence this fuckin blog??) I don't know, it just seems like everything is kindof either in place, but sitting crooked in my life or it's just.. missing.. who knows.. maybe I'm thinking all of this stuff because I'm not high.. god, I just realized, I've typed the word high like 3044 times in my last 4 entries.. so here's a few more... high high high high high high high, see how easy that was.. ok definately time to stop that.
Ok, yeah anyways, recently I started smoking again, like all the time - and I think it's mostly do to an emotional breakdown that I'm going / gone / still will go through. I decided the other day that I think that I have an mentally emotional issue. My roommates girlfriend and I have decided that it's probably do to the fact that I didn't have a mother as an infant, but who knows really. All I know is, I get way too attached and end up getting my heart broken a lot.. alright, ready I'll explain.
My first serious girlfriend, we took each others virgininty. Shortly after I met someone cool, well later I cheated on my girlfriend with this girl, blah blah blah right? Well, that happened to lead to a long line of things that happened.. My girl and I broke up, I regretted it, and still to this very day regret it. So, I made it through the rest of the school year and then my best friend died in the war in Iraq. I later came to meet a girl, who I dated for a year.. and she got into some trouble and we to this day have failed to see each other. Deep down I want to see her so bad, but at the same time I'm like... well shit, this sucks .. let's be all emotional and go find someone because I'm a hound and have to be with someone 'all' the time...
So, anyways me and my best friend in the whole world got an apartment and we live right down the road from the girl I had wanted to be with for like.. ever. Anyways, I got soooooooooo seriously trashed and went straight to her house at like 1 in the morning and asked her if she wanted to be with me.. she says yes, lie! . Anyways, we end up having sex 'twice'.. which ultimately made things worse.. and we end up 'not' being together, and I DON'T have sex with someone unless I seriously care for them, and well I just waisted a perfectly good turn on the sex-a-go-round for someone I'm not going to be with and someone I'm forced to see all the time. So that said, I talked to my roommates and stuff, and I have decided that I am going to have to 'put' myself away from seeing her sooo much, just because it's such an emotional ordeal for me to see her all the time.. and yeah well that's pretty much where I stand.. I'm an emotional wreck and nothing to fix it with...